Where am I?

Gather 'round as I run it down...
I'm going. I'm catching a flight
In the height of the night
Leaving my loved ones; Why am I leavin'
All for a cause that I don't believe in
With the weight of the world on my shoulders
The altitude get's higher, the atmosphere gets colder
I wonder if she'll miss me. Probably not as much as I'll miss her
Never got to say goodbye; never got to kiss her
It's like I was saying I love you in a foriegn language
Now I have 365 days to get over my anguish
She has a new distraction
She has a new love, another fatal attraction
It pains me to know that he's the one she'd prefer
But I can't stop hoping; I can't stop loving Her

Dealing With A Broken Heart

If you feel like your heart has broken, you're not alone. Just about everyone experiences the type of grief we call heartbreak at one time or another - and some people seem to have their hearts broken many times throughout their lives. Sometimes it feels like all those songs about broken hearts were written just for you and your situation!
Lots of things can cause heartbreak. Some people experience the pain of a romantic relationship that ends before they're ready. Others love someone who doesn't feel the same way. Or maybe a person feels heartbreak when a close friend moves out of their life. Although the causes may be different, the feeling of loss is the same - whether it's the loss of something real or the loss of something you only hoped for. People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and sadness.

Although poets have written about the pain of heartbreak for thousands of years, when it's happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same. If you're recovering from a broken heart, there are things you can do to lessen the pain. Here are some tips that might help:

• Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust - someone who recognizes what they're going through - helps them feel better. That could mean talking over all the things you feel, even having a good cry on the shoulder of a comforting friend or family member. Others find they heal better if they hang out and do the things they normally enjoy, like seeing a movie or going to a concert, to take their minds off the hurt. Sometimes people who mean well but don't understand the depths of your hurt may try to cheer you up with statements like "you'll get over it" or "you'll meet someone else." These people are probably trying to help in the only way they know. But if you feel like someone can't relate to what you're going through or is dismissive of your feelings, find someone more sympathetic to talk to.
  
• Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful so don't let the rest of your body get broken, too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost.
  
• Remember what's good about you. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what's happened. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they're experiencing. If you find this happening to you, nip it in the bud! Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can't think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to help you remember what's good about you.
  
• Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you're coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps. This is a great time to redecorate your room or try a new hobby. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about what happened - working things through in our minds is all part of the healing process - it just means you should focus on other things, too.
  
• Give yourself time. It takes time for sadness to go away. Almost everyone thinks they won't feel normal again, but the human spirit is amazing - and the heartbreak almost always heals after a while. But how long will that take? That depends on what caused your heartbroken feeling, how you deal with loss, and how quickly you tend to bounce back from things. Mending a broken heart can take a couple of days to many weeks - and sometimes even months.
  

Some people feel that nothing will make them happy again and resort to alcohol or drugs. Others feel angry and want to hurt themselves or someone else. People who drink, do drugs, or cut themselves to escape from the reality of a loss may think they are numbing their pain, but the feeling is only temporary. The person isn't really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all their feelings build up inside and prolongs the sadness.

Sometimes the sadness is so deep - or lasts so long - that a person may need some extra support to deal with a broken heart. For someone who is not starting to feel better after a few weeks or who continues to feel depressed, talking to a counselor or therapist can be very helpful.

So be patient with yourself, and let the healing begin.

I've learned....

I`ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I`ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assho!es.

I`ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I`ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you`d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I`ve learned that you shouldn`t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I`ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you`re finished.

I`ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I`ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place!

I`ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn`t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I`ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

The science of heart-break....

I had visions of our future. They were as clear to me as a 60 inch HDTV screen. In my visions we shared a life-long happiness. We had the kind of romance that you read about in the pages of great literature. In my heart of hearts I believed that someday it would be so.
Alas, as much as I tried, I could never get her to see my vision; to share in my reverie. Now she dreams of another, and I am forced to accept that my dreams were nothing more than foolish delusions.

Is it possible to ever really give up on a dream? Can you really stop hoping?

For the past 5 years I've sent my heart speeding toward one singular ambition. Now I must make it stop, or change direction. But Newton’s Law states that an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. What force is more unbalanced than love?
One force that keeps objects from being in perpetual motion is friction. Friction is caused by a molecular attraction between materials - or people. One of the side-effects of friction is that it generates heat. The more friction you have, the more heat you will generate.
Needless to say, it will take a lot of friction to give up this hope, this vision that I have. That heat sensation is what I feel in my chest right now. The burn of trying to bring my heart to a screeching halt. Can you see the sparks?

I apologize...

...for the incredibly bad poetry I've been writing lately. It's just that I love her dearly, and I want so badly to show her how much.

Run

I run
I run far and fast
I run 'till my lungs are aflame
'Til my legs won't take another step
'Til my chest won't stop heaving
I'm not running for pain
I'm running from it
I run
I run 'til the pain from running
Overruns the pain of her not loving me

She To Me

She pleases me
She appeases me
She eases me
She teases me
She pleads with me
She sees thru me
She leans on me
She agrees with me
She disagrees with me
She's a gentle breeze to me

She percieves me

She frees me

She recieves me
She believes in me

Haven't thought of a title yet....

I'll do whatever I can for you
Buy every piece of land for you
But then I'd have a fear of giving you
Too much to take care of you

I could fly to the heavens and catch the moon
But I might cause the sun to come up too soon
I could entice the shining stars
I could take each one and put them in jars

But of what benefit am I,
If I take the light from your sky?
What if I picked enough flowers to fill your room,
Would I still be outside filled with gloom?

I could scoop up all the waters of the sea, clear and cool
But what good are the crashing waves in a silent pool?
So what, my love, can I really do
To prove that my love is true?

I could steal your heart, if I tried hard enough
But wouldn't theft defeat the purpose of love?
To wholly give your heart to another
Without disguise or sly cover

Who knows the songs that a caged bird sings?
For a caged bird cannot spread the song without wings
I'll leave you to love whom you will, my dear
In hopes that your heart's own gravity will pull you here

Do I dare?

Do I dare hold you so close to my heart?
Do I dare hide these emotions until we part?
Do I dare reach to touch you and watch you pull away?
Do I choke on my feelings as I turn and walk away?

How can I show you my feelings are true?

You're here in spirit... your heart is gone
And now my soul feels so alone
The person you once were seemed to go away,
I do in my heart hope she returns someday.

The tears that run down my cheek
So sweet, so shy, so meek
So, Kerri, if you hear my cry just know
With your heart my soul will go.

By Myself

"You and she will never be."
That's what I told myself
And before I caught the thought
I sought to control myself
I cried like I died inside
So I tried to console myself
No one here, no one near...
My own arms to hold myself

To Dreamer

Dream, Dreamer, as you lay across this silken bed
And I'll lay here beside you counting the hairs on your head
Soft melodies willl resonate thru the room like a drum
I'll sing to you the words I know, and the rest I'll hum

Pondering 'Her'

I study life in the dark
Smoky apparitions imparting wisdom
Answers to queries unknown
Complications are simplified

I hypothesize. I theorize. I assume. I know. Then I don’t…

Expectant with ‘Her’, I am…
Wishing I could abort
Can she love me?
Maybe she’s concealing it

I’m solitary in my affections
An underpinning to disaster
Attempts to run end up in futility
So I try to mask it in anger

Providence always reunites us
She takes one step toward me
And I go running to her
I hate myself for loving her

So what do I do?
Does this tragedy have an ending?
Is the story still being written?
Do I really want it to end?

Miss me? I want you to

I want you to spend the rest of your life missing me
I want you to miss kissing me
I want you to not be able to breathe without me
I want you to lose sleep; when you do sleep - dream about me
I want you to get robbed; I want you to lose your job
I want you to feel a shock every time you touch a door knob
I want your knees to get weak and you can't walk without me
I want your friends to call you every day and talk about me
I want you to never be happy with another
I want you and happiness to never find each other
I want you to hear my voice thundering in your head
I want you to call everyone you love by name instead
I want your hair to fall out; I want your soul to call out
I want you to come up short even when you go all out
I want you to live a long life wishing you could die
I want you to not have any tears, yet wishing you could cry
I want you to cry, then hate yourself because you cried
I want you to feel exactly how I feel inside

The LaKetha File...

I put you in my past. In a little filing cabinet that we all keep in the back corner of our brains, behind the "L" tab. Just one of the many memory files that I wish I didn't have.
You like to refer to me as your best friend. I'm flattered by that, but I wouldn't say we were best friends. Yes, we had good times and memorable conversations, and I was a good friend to you. But I ended up being hurt... I masked the pain. Maybe that's why you think we were best friends.
Do you think you were a good friend to me? Did you ever come visit me? Did you ever choose to spend time with me, rather than HIM? Remember my 25th birthday? Who were you with that night? A good friend, indeed!
I remember the last time I saw you. You said that came to say goodbye to us. I remember watching you two embrace at the end of the driveway. I remember you smiling as he whispered softly in to your ear. I remember swallowing the lump in my chest when I realized that you didn't come by to say goodbye to me.... just him. I just happen'd to live there.
So after years of not pulling your file, you pop back up on the radar with a call outta the blue. You've changed... You're a different person now. I can hear it in your vernacular. A better person, and happy too. I'm glad to see life treating you so well. I'm glad to see that your son is growing into a fine young man. I really am... Say what? You talked to HIM a few days ago? Really? I'll update your file and stick it back behind the "L" tab in a cabinet I call my past, and there you shall remain.

On The Eve Of My 3rd Decade....(Feb 5 is my b-day)

3 score and 9 months ago a couple of teenagers laid down together and conceived me. 3 decades and some change, I'm sitting here typing words. A lot of shit has happened in between... Some good... Some bad... Some too terrible to describe! Overall, I must say that life has been good to me. It's a race; and while I'm not ahead of the game, I'm still in a position to win if I have a strong kick toward the end.

Like most of us, I do have regrets. Hell, I have a bunch of 'em! Most of my regrets fall under the umbrella of the only two serious relationships I've ever been in. Melony was my first love. Aimee was the most recent... I should be married to one of them, but I fucked up both of them. I swear if I could go back to that night at The Renaissance when Natalia asked me if I had a girlfriend and I said "No"....

Other regrets usually relate to my work ethic, or lack thereof. Procrastination is a disease!! Fortunately, God saw fit to bless me with above-average intelligence, and honestly, it's the only reason I've come this far in life. Combine my brains with a desire to bust my hump and I'd be a real American success story! Instead, I'm just another under-achiever with bad credit.

Looking back on 30 years I still feel as if there's so much to learn about life. Most of the time I feel like knocking the hell out of a 20-something who thinks he/she has wisdom. I remember being that way. If they only knew how dumb they sound...

I sometimes wish that someone would invent a time machine that would allow me to go back and tell my younger, dumber self to do/not do certain things. But knowing me, I wouldn't have listened anyway. So fuck it! I am what I am...

Looking toward the future... 

Warning (My 1st Post)

You smarty-arty folks might wanna read this...

I am not a writer. I am not a journalist, nor do I consider myself an "artsy" type. I am not really all that deep or complicated. I am just a guy.

I don't have anything profound to say. I don't have any lofty aspirations of trying to leave my mark on the world. I don't have an eclectic taste in music or fashion. I don't have an extensive knowledge of the arts. I don't even have decent credit!

I have a "baby-momma"... just without all the drama. I have student loans to pay back. I have people at work that get on my nerves! I have a son that I love dearly. I have regrets. I have things that I really don't give a shit about. I have a car in desperate need of an oil change.

So if you were expecting to read something deep and stimulating; I'm sorry to have wasted your time. You see, I am just a guy, like millions of other guys... You smarty-arty folks should probably stop reading now.